What a great night. I had no idea I stuck around for so long, though…look at the time. I thought it was about 12:30am, I didn’t realize I would be pushing 3:30am when I stumbled home. I guess that’s what happens when you start talking and find there’s just no end to what you have to say…I thoroughly enjoy my time with salmon, we can move from the profoundly personal to the entirely theoretical in three steps or less.
We spent some time talking about the ‘essential self’, which was very interesting, and something I need to think about some more…it makes me think about Caroline’s definition of where the essential self is located….some people think about their ‘self’ being in their head, or in the heart. Caroline was quite sure her self was in her belly. She would touch her belly when she said ‘me’. And tonight I completely, fully understand what she means. Tonight I have the feeling, from my gut, that I am so happy with the choices I’ve made in my life. I’m happy with where I am, the skills I have, the knowledge I’ve gathered. I have been unsure in the past 3 years that I was really equipped with the skills and strength required to exist in healthy relationships with people. I don’t think I realized what a toll that uncertainly took on me. Now I am sure that I am actually stronger than I accounted for, and I’m certainly stronger than the people around me thought I could be And I’m proud of who I have become, and I’m proud of what I’ve done. It’s amazing to wander through the city feeling like this. A profoundly peaceful feeling, and a profoundly exciting one.
salmon and I spent the evening talking and thinking and brainstorming and finally even coming up with some solutions to problems, theoretical or practical. I know I’ve been thought of as the random idea generator at Achieve, and I think that’s actually happening because I haven’t had a real outlet to do that for some time. The last time I felt this excited about anything was in the spring of 1999 when I was taking Katy Park’s Evidence of Experience class. There was a real sense there that we were cutting edge, that we were figuring out ways to think about historical problems and issues that had just not been thought about before. There were times when we would come up with ideas in that seminar and we would all just kind of fall silent thinking about the implications of what we’d just said. That was so wonderful. I would get so excited about the ideas we were generating and debating, the kind of fine line we were walking, that it was actually difficult to just sit still. What a wonderful feeling. I’m so glad to have rediscovered that. And I feel so happy. Maybe this is partly due to the fact that I am no longer ODing on estrogen, and that I’ve started to take those happy psych drugs (though those aren’t supposed to take effect for another week and a half at least). Or just the happy circumstances of last week are finally sinking in. In many ways I feel like I’ve found a niche for myself, and I’m challenged by the fact that I’m not entirely qualified to fulfill that niche. Is there anything more engaging, more exciting, than being on the brink of understanding something? I know my new goals are not to stop being a random idea generator, but to start being an solution producer at the same time. Again, part of the joy of the process is not being entirely certain that I’m up for the task.
And, at the same time, it’s starting to sink in that not only is this move to OISE (should it happen!) good for me socially/emotionally, but it looks as though it will be good academically and professionally as well. I’m feeling more and more positive about my ability to be a good historian who is also versed in pedagogy and techonology, and the possibilities of getting gainful employment that way. Oh, I should bottle this feeling. I could make a fortune.
Oh, one more thing: salmon introduced me to the joys of guacamole tonight. What a wonderful thing to put in one’s mouth. I had no idea.