All I have Left

All I have Left

I thought it was finished, but it’s not. And I don’t know why. I have another scan tomorrow morning, first thing. The hospital called this afternoon. They tell me it’s not uncommon for doctors to request a second scan, but it’s clearly not routine, since we didn’t book it last week or the week before.

In spite of all the adjectives people have used in reference to my posts on this subject, which I felt were ill-suited at the best of times, I’m not feeling particularly calm, brave, strong, or positive. I’m just bewildered and scared. Once again, I’m caught in the space between panic, denial, and hope: it could be something terrible, another cancer somewhere, another surgery looming, another round of radiation. More nausea, more headaches, more fear. Or it could be nothing. Until now, they’ve told me there are no signs, no indication of any spread, lymph nodes negative, all that. My surgeon said: “you’re probably cured.” My endocrinologist cut my radiation dose in half because of my low-risk of any additional tumours. So could be nothing at all. And yet: a surprise call, another repeat test required. The doctor isn’t in until tomorrow afternoon, no one can tell me why.

I want to know why. I’m scared to know why now.

This is the point where you remind yourself that when you have your health back, when your feet are steadier under you again, you will be grateful for it every waking moment. Every damn waking moment.

0 thoughts on “All I have Left

  1. *hugs* COMPLETELY normal to have a second scan. In fact I’m surprised that you’re surprised, and that they hadn’t already scheduled it … Probably they had a last minute cancelation and said, oh, let’s see if we can fit Rochelle in tomorrow instead of waiting a couple more weeks like we COMPLETELY NORMALLY would.

    I had scans every 3 months for the first year after my last liver surgery, and then yearly for four more years. TOTALLY. NORMAL.

  2. Is this the first scan they’ve scheduled post-radiotherapy? If so, it seems quite reasonable to me that, having had the surgery and the follow up treatment, a scan would just be the final step in checking that your treatment has all gone to plan.

  3. I had the first scan last Monday….the hospital called out of the blue yesterday saying they wanted another one today. I went, it took 20 minutes, and then we went to square one. It’s just that no one told me there was likely to be another, I have no idea why there was another. The technician told me it was technical and had nothing to do with me. Possibly the first set of results wasn’t clear enough, I have no idea. This time they didn’t let me leave until they had reviewed the pictures. :/

  4. The worst part is not knowing. Could just as easily be a missed communication somewhere, or as you say, the results weren’t clear.

  5. Sounds like they botched the first scan and were trying to cover their arses? Still, an out-of-the-(nearly)-blue call from a hospital is always scary, I agree.

  6. I’m with treehavn on the botched first scan/set of results. It happens. They are decidedly imperfect humans like the rest of us in the medical profession. Problem is, it happens too often. Just be glad you got this far in the process without some more serious screw-up.

    Hang in there!

    xo CG.

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